MINE and you cant have any

2003-04-02T02:17:00.000-06:00

its been a while and i think i need to post again...i doubt anyone is is reading or even waiting for me to say something, but this stupid thing helps keep me balanced. i've decided that although i am good with computers, i am not good enough to advance in a career involving mostly programming and other relevant things. i've decided to change majors and with that, colleges...i'm headed back into what i considered my true love many many years ago, marine biology. its going to be a hard career choice, but i think for once i'm pressing forward with my heart instead of my head. i have no idea of the career choices within marine bio, but i'm sure if i work hard enough at it, there will be a place out there for me. besides nothing puts me at ease as much as the sea. its one of the last few places i consider my self to be truly happy at. when i'm down there on the beach at night, or on a boat by myself, i dont feel alone, i feel in some way connected to all my surroundings. its nice to not feel alone, but instead to actually feel connected. its something i havent had in a long time. anyways i think i'll kill the pity party now, i got class in the morning, but i'm gonna leave whoevers out there with a song...jack johnson - its all understood.....msg me @ rta6942 on AIM or radling001 on yahoo...

Jack Johnson - It's All Understood
Everyone laughed at her joke
As if they'd never even heard it before
And maybe they were truly amused
But every word that she spoke was a bore
And maybe it's because they had seen
The previews on the TV screen
Well this part is good and that's well understood
So you should laugh if you know what I mean

But it's all relative
Even if you don't understand
Well it's all understood
Especially when you don't understand
Then it's all just because
Even if we don't understand
Then lets all just believe

Everyone knows what went down
Because the news was spread all over town
And fact is only what you believe
And fact and fiction work as a team
It's almost always fiction in the end
That content begins to bend
When context is never the same

And it's all relative
Even if we don't understand
And it's all understood
Especially when we don't understand
Then it's all just because
Even if we don't understand
Then lets all just believe

I was reading a book
Or maybe it was a magazine
Suggestions on where to place faith
Suggestions on what to believe
But I read somewhere
That you've got to beware
You can't believe anything you read
But the good Book is good
And it's all understood
So don't even question
If you know what I mean

But it's all relative
Even if you don't understand
Well it's all understood
Especially when you don't understand
And it's all just because
Even if we don't understand
Then lets all just believe

But there you go once again
You missed the point and then you point
Your fingers at me
And say that I said not to believe
I believe
I guess
I guess it's all relative

2002-12-06T23:01:00.000-06:00

i think this is going to be my last blog, at least on this account. i cant say any of the things i want to say here anymore since too many people know about it...i probably wont make another account, just go back to keeping things to myself...or write more on my computer, thats what i've been doing for the past couple weeks anyway..well thats it, i dont have anything left to say, so bye.

2002-11-22T07:25:00.000-06:00

well i had all my tests done yesterday..loads of fun there...the girl giving me my mri was really good looking and as i'm laying down on the table she says "ur britches are undone" oh yeah, i am so the ladies man...the tube wasnt scary at all cept for when my arms kinda got cought...if you know me well, then you know its bad when i get stuck somewhere...i damn near ripped out emily helms seatbelt cause i couldnt get it off me...but yeah the tests are all done but i'm still a little worried...i'm still having bad headaches even though i'm sleeping well...they're consistant with migraine headaches which is what worries me...i hope its just stress or a need for glasses...something like that...tumors just arent cool ya know? i've also decided to swear off women for ever...well atleast till i'm outta college...i've been talking to alot of different girls lately and i havent found one yet that i dont wanna hit with my van...well i need to take a shower before class so i'm gonna jet...later

Eligy For Amy

She moved away to a kinder place,
where her soul flies
She’s smiling down upon us
Her heart warms the room now
Just help us through today your spirit guides us

Amy can you hear me?
You’re upstairs gently listening
We’re all down here wishing
You hadn’t left so soon

I want to thank you for your belief in me,
now I believe in you
There is something strange about it
I can shut my eyes and see you there
I wish I’d said more words now the music’s singing

Amy can you hear me?
You’re upstairs gently listening
We’re all down here wishing
You hadn’t left so soon
Amy’s smile will cure you
So close your eyes and call her.
She’s waiting upstairs with Jesus.
Where everyone's your friend

Eligy For Amy - Pat McGee Band

2002-11-19T09:41:00.000-06:00

i went to the doctors yesterday to talk about the insomnia and the headaches and stuff...he's not sure what it is since i passed the basic tests...i scored really high on the anxiety and stress tests though...i was 2 points from suicidal or something like that...basically he gave me some stuff for the headaches and wants me to get some tests...a chem 20, cbc, and an MRI to be exact...this makes like the 5th time ive had to have my head scanned...maybe thats why i have all the head problems! they keep stickin me in their easy back x-ray machine...i'm sure things will be ok..its not a tumor! i might need glasses though...my vision is getting really bad...everyone in my family has had glasses at one time or another and i'm not really concearned about glasses...hell i might even look good with them..but for now i have work to do, so i'm gonna get started...later...

2002-11-16T07:12:00.000-06:00

well its been like a week since ive wrote anything here...i just havent felt like sharring much lately..my bday was yesterday, i didnt really get anything for it now, my parents are waiting for thanxgiving to give me my real presents...im having trouble sleeping again...i just cant get to sleep durring the night so i stay up, try to go to all my day classes, and go to sleep right after...as a result my grades are dropping which only keeps me up more...something is bothering me though..i've been getting very bad headaches and sometimes i'm dizzy or just dont know where i am...the dizzy and blackouts only last for a couple seconds but i dont know why i would be expirencing this...oh well, i'm gonna try and see the doctor monday...maybe he can tell me...any ways i'm really bored and i dont have anything to do here so i guess i'll go walk arround campus till i get tired...later

i cant belive you missed it.

2002-11-09T04:32:00.000-06:00

ok well its now saturday morning and again i have nothing to do...i saw meredith earlier tonight. it was the first time i've seen in like a month. kinda weird since we live 1 minute away from each other but oh well... she made me rent "life as a house" i thought it was going to be really gay but its a great movie...i highly recommend it...i actually cried which isnt something i do at many movies, its just the father son thing always gets me...i'm dying in my classes...spanish has gone into this never ending downward spiral which is just peachy...i'm gonna have to study my ass off for the final...i'm already making flash cards for it and ihate making those damn cards...i counted like 300 things i really need to know..it sounds like alot but most of it is just refreshment...i should be able to do it...its gonna take an a on the exam to give me a b in the course though...kinda shitty but i think i can do it...i cant really think of anything to say...classes are just consuming my life and i'm actually startign to skip them again...see when i cant get a break from my work i just breakdown...i need some sort of relaxation totally away from all school, which means i'm not gonna get any relaxation unless i go home...i get to go home in 2 weeks and 3 days...grrrr....its just too long to wait..i want to be home now...i dont wanna work anymore!!! that girl i gave my number too never called or aything...not a real big suprise since she asked me for mine and i didnt get hers...=( but oh well theres other girls and i'm not really lookin for one right now...although it would be nice to have a female arround just as a really close friend...i kinda miss that...but i will survive..i will survive hey hey......

2002-11-04T00:51:00.000-06:00

well classes are suckin some serious ass right now...i'm sleepin like 2 hrs and thats in the day time and my head actually feels like its caving in..and yet, i'm happy...it could be the crack, but i dont think so...i dunno why i just feel good...i started watching dune earlier today...thats such a cool movie..i used to know like every line to it but its been such a long time that i've forgotten most of it...well i really need to finish this lil take home testie for cal2 fun fun fun! so yeah i gotta jet...i'll post later...so go...bye....stop reading!

2002-11-03T02:44:00.000-06:00

i won again at poker...just 10 dollars but hey, it helps....anyway i got things i gotta think about so i gotta run...

2002-11-01T05:01:00.000-06:00

i was thinking to my self "hey, ppl dont see my counter enough...how could i make them bask in its glory just like me?" thats how i came up with my new layout!!! tell me what u think.

2002-10-31T15:14:00.000-06:00

everything is so messed up right now. i just feel like i dont know who i am anymore. i do the same thing day in and day out. i never used to be like that! i was crazy, i didnt have plans, i just did what i felt was right and said what i was thinking; now i find myself holding back on almost everything. watching what i say as not to step on someones toes. it feels like teh only people i can be real with are my family and melissa. i dont mean any disrespect to fawad or tyler, but even when you're mean and hurt you're families feelings, they're still there for you. and melissa is just like that. i really need to get out this weekend but i have no idea what i should do. well i know what i want to do, but that requires a car, or several hours of walking. i met someone today. it's actually kinda funny, i knocked her over in the postoffice..she had her head down and just walked right into me when she rounded the corner. shes cute and latin...she seems nice and i gave her my phone number..hey maybe that'll be something i can do this weekend...but i dont know, she'll prolly turn out like all the others...but oh well, u cant give up just because things didnt work out the way u planned...

i prolly should have posted this last night when i wrote it, oh well

2002-10-30T14:42:00.000-06:00

have u ever noticed that its usually quiet and peacefull with out you're room mate arround? cause mine likes to come back and start yellin and acting like a fucking retard and bugging me...and if he keeps it up, i'm gonna throw his ass out the fucking window.

2002-10-30T05:04:00.000-06:00

things arent going the way they should be right now...i really want to go home for a weekend but i dont want my dad to have to come get me...but i really dont want to wait till thanksgiving...i mean its like another month away...i just cant take so much of this shit...i hate my classes, i hate never having anything to do on the weekend, and i hate the fact that i cant talk with anyone here! all this shit is seriously making me wonder why i'm even at state to begin with...i mean u get out of college what u put in, and i know i could go to another school and probably learn alot more than what i'm learning here simply because i wouldnt feel so stressed all the time...alright well its 5 am again and i need to go to bed...tomorrow is like the biggest day of the week i have...its pretty much classes straight till 430...maybe then i can get some sleep

2002-10-29T04:14:00.000-06:00

oh yeah i'll ahve all the comments and counters and stuff up tomorrow =)

2002-10-29T04:13:00.000-06:00

alright well i changed the template and i kinda like this one..it has a place for links and it looks pretty cool...right now i'm feelin kinda weird...i'm listening to peter, paul and mary. thats one of my moms favorite groups...i called home tonight just to ask dad some questions about deannas new comp...she just happened to be at the house..its nice that we're talking and gettin along now...we're actually alot alike and last time i was in mobile, i actually skipped the rest of the stp concert just to sit on her front porch and chill...i guess she doesnt see me as such a kid anymore and realizes we're going through the same shit and have the same trials and tribulations..everything in our lives may look easy but its a hell of alot harder than ppl may think...not to say that everyone elses life is easy, most are far from it...but i can think of a dozen ppl off hand that have it way ez...i talked to merediths guy tonight..i'm not real sure what i think of him yet...he acts like he knows me and he really doesn't...hell he still seems to think i'm nice..HA! i have lil bouts of sweetness and crap like that, but i'm not nice anymore...just get to aggrivated now...but anyways...i should probably finish this spanish hw before tomorrow...i really dont feel like doing it tomorrow afternoon...soooo later and gnight.

2002-10-28T12:29:00.000-06:00

this template is pissin me off so i think i'm gonna change it later tonight when i have some free time...and i finally figured out that program that's been keeping me up all night! but i had to ask for help...but its ok i've done 8/9 all on my own w/o any help from anyone else...one time isnt all that bad

2002-10-27T03:31:00.000-06:00

i'm tired and bored. i have work but i dont wanna do it. whats the fun in learnin anyway. we had to turn our clocks back tonight so even though it says its 318am its really 418am which could be why i'm so damn tired. i guess i should go to sleep but i just want something fun to do. i cant wait till i go home for thanxgiving. its a long ways away but it'll be the only break i'm gettin betwen now and exams. i woke andrew up today by screaming like i was being attacked. he started shaking in his bed...it was pretty funny...i couldnt stop laughing for like 10 minutes...ok well i dont have much to say right now...i'm not really in the greatest of moods and i really just wanna get away right now...later

I don't wanna go
I wanna stay with you forever
Hold me in your arms
Let me feel your beating heart
We should always be together

I don't want to leave you
Even for a minute
I couldn't stand to live my life
A single day without you in it
They say that time heals all wounds
But I can't wait for later
Anyway, I'm afraid if I walk away
This time it could be fatal

I don't want you to be
Just another memory
That keeps me awake at night
Leaves me tryin' to hold on to
Tryin' to get you back into my life

I don't wanna go
You have to drag me off in chains
Don't leave me in the dark
Don't let me drift too far
You know I couldn't stand the pain

Yeah we should always, always be together
Yeah we should always, always be together

Billy Goodrum - We Should Always be Togeather

2002-10-26T04:04:00.000-05:00

woohoo i'm gettin a racquetball racquet!. its $135 but its really good and it normaly sells for 180. its the head i.165. i was whippin up tonight on the guys. 10-1 in almost every game. no one scored more than a point against me. i'm kinda bored though. i saw the jackass movie tonight. its really funny but i wouldnt take a girl to go see it, some parts are just to damn nasty for anyone to see. andrew is really starting to bug me. he's always messin with me and yelllin and shit when i'm tryin to sleep. see last night i didnt get to sleep cause i was studying for a test. so i didnt get to bed till after the test which means some time arround 10. he comes back to the room arround 11:15 and starts yellin and shit and wakin me up tellin me i need to get to class. most people that know me know i'm short tempered. i really dont like to be bothered espically when im tired. its alot like just walking up and pullin my hair for no reason. you're gonna get ur ass kicked. now i didnt do anything to him this time, mostly cause i could barely move, but when i woke up and i found him asleep...heh...i ran and pounced on him as hard as i could...it was actually pretty funny. anyways i'm pretty bored...i would like to go to bed but shit for brains over there has his music and the tv turned on and he's not watching either..he's a special person, maybe he'll be really special and die in his sleep..ok well i'm gonna find something else to do now...maybe sleep...maybe beat up andrew...who knows....later

2002-10-25T01:29:00.000-05:00

alright, i know i havent reallyt blogged this week but gimmie a break...its been a busy week...i've been runnin arround takin tests and quizes since monday and i still have a killer c++ program to write not to mention a c++ test tomorrow...yeah this week's been nothing bit a party...brent hates me now, big loss there...man i'm not gonna get to hang out with a burn out who quits when ever things get hard...how will i ever survive? any way i got work to do and tests to study for so i gotta run...later

2002-10-23T16:01:00.000-05:00

haha fawads blog wont work....its cause hes a gay towelhead

2002-10-22T23:01:00.000-05:00

well its just a fucking party up in here tonight... moms yellin at me, dads yellin at me, brent says i told his sister he smokes weed, and i have a midterm tomorrow...i really wish they would just all fuck off...mom, dad, i'm gonna be who i wanna be and i'll talk the way i talk, if you dont like it, fuck off. and to brent, i never told your sister you smoked weed, i'm betting though that she found out probably from the smell u always carry, the constant stupity and the fact that your best friend is a pothead. and oh yeah be my guest and tell yout sister i fucked a girl on her bed...tell her who it was, how long it was and when it was...fuck if she wants details tell her to call me! i'm not ashamed of anything i've done and the mistakes i've made i take blame for...but i will not sit here and be rediculed by some sorta pseudo intelectual who's to concearned about his little dick (yeah he does have one...he's told me so) to ever take it out and use it. you had just as much a shot with her that night as i did but you cant get past the "little" things now can you brent... adn its just like you to message me and run away...when ever you have a problem you run away...take college for example, state was just a lil too tuff for ya so what did you do...u pussed out and ran back home to be with ur faggot boyfriend zach...oh yeah he's going places too brent....i hope you like working at autozone or discount auto parts or where ever it is that you havent been fired from yet. thats your future and i hope you're happy with it....but hey maybe one day you can aspire to get a trailer home for you and the kiddies, assuming you figure out that the dick between your legs isnt just for decoration although it looks it. bottom line is, i didnt tell your sister shit, i keep my promises, and if you have a problem with me or soemthing i've done, come straight to me with it and be ready for an explenation, i dont treat you like a bitch and i wouldnt expect you to treat me like one, i guess u can get the redneck out of the trailer park, but u cant get the trailer park out of the redneck...

2002-10-21T01:52:00.000-05:00

Another turning point a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist directs you where to go
So make the best of this test and don't ask why
It's not a question but a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable
But in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life

So take the photographs and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable
But in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life

It's something unpredictable
But in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life

It's something unpredictable
But in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life

green day - good riddance (time of your life)

2002-10-21T01:51:00.000-05:00

its not late and i'm tired! it had to happen some time...i'm worried though...i have 2 tests next week and i still dont know if i'm in trouble over some stupid shit i did...no matter what anyone says it was well worth it...but yeah i'm tired and i'm lookin to bed in aobut 5 min...i dont really have anything to post tonight...oh yeah...i got on diablo2 exp today and finally made it to lvl 90 with my zon...it really wasnt that hard...it only took me like an hour...i could probably make 99 in a month if i really tried...thats not bad considering i'm one of the few ppl that plays with out hacked items...theres no need for that shit...it ruins the game...thats why i stopped playing for the longest time...but oh well...i'm tired and greenday is puttin me tosleep..so i think i'm off...goodnight

2002-10-20T06:09:00.000-05:00

well nothing good happened today...well something kinda sorta good, but its not something i'm gonna share with everyone...prolly just me fawad steph and melissa..cause they're all cool....and everyone else isnt...cept for you meredith...you're very cool in a lawn gnome sorta way...anyways...for most the night i just chilled here...there wasnt shit to do all day...we were supposed togo to alstons and drink but something came up and we didnt get too...so yeah borring...but it could be worse..i could have to live with james

2002-10-19T04:42:00.000-05:00

hey if you're one of those ppl i dont know thats reading my stuff, leave a comment, anything it doesnt matter. i just wanna see what other ppl think...espically what u think aobut whats going on with the us and iraq..i'm really intrested in that right now

2002-10-19T04:33:00.000-05:00

man i missed all my classes today...i really didnt mean to either..i slept through my alarm twice...and both times i woke up with like 5 min left to go in the class..im really trying to be good this year and go to all my classes...but its making me so nervous that now i cant sleepright so i'm up all night which makes me miss my alarm in the morning...its a vicious cycle...i've been havign weird dreams lately...they're in spanish...i dont even know the language all taht well but i'm always saying something to some one inspanish..its really trippy..and you know how sometimes if u talk in youtr sleep u can wake your self up with it...well this morning i was saying something about being trapped in the supermarket with my mother....i really dont know why...thats all i remember...i'm thinking toniht though i'll have nightmares... some friends and i went and saw that movie "the ring" its well worth watching...its preatty freaky...i think everyone should go see it...i took a nice long walk arround campus tonight..it feels so good out there right now. i really didnt wanna come back inside...i really wish i could go camping, i havent been in a couple years...i have a brand new tent that i havent had the chance to try out. its really depressing...i'm sure i will over christmass break or something...thats just so long away it seems...wow i just sneazed and it feels like my chest just exploded...well i'm tired..need sleepy...i'm going to bed...g'night...

2002-10-18T16:47:00.000-05:00

alright well mom basically vetoed the idea of me gettin my lip peircing..she threatened to throw me out of the house...

2002-10-18T03:17:00.000-05:00

heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyy welcome to ci ci's....heh kindof a runnin joke with me and andrew...i'm thinking about peircing my lower lip...like getting the ring right arround the center of it...i'm not really sure if i'm gonna do it though...its not the pain or anything..if i can give myself a carving i can sure as hell get stuck with a needle..its just i know my parents are gonna kill me if i get it...and i dont think i can take it out for something like 6weeks...then i have to consider the cost of getting it done and check to see if its gonna leave a permenant hole below my lip...that wouldnt look to good inthe corporate world ya know...oh well...i think i'm gonna write some reports or something and head to bed...prolly wont be till like 5 again but who cares...its the weekend...later

2002-10-17T04:43:00.000-05:00

well it looks like it only took me about an hour to finish up the lab for c++..now i'm wondering if i should try and go to bed or if i should just keep working on stuff...i'm in that kinda mood, just on a roll gettin thigns done, it makes me feel smart again...andrew's been loosening up some...he's really cool when he's being relaxed and espically when he's not being all submissive...usually he'll just do what i say, but he's kinda beiung a smart ass...asserting his independance, that sorta thing...i dont think he has much self esteem so i'm really trying to be nice to him, i know when i get started i can be a real bastard...everythings good though...i spoke with mom and dad tonight, everythings cool back at the house...dads worried that i'm not eating enough since i dont spend as much as i did last year...i'm trying to tell him "look at me! i'm sure as hell not starving!" i just dont wanna waste money on fast food and stuff all the time...i mean if u ate fast food twice a day for 1 week at an average of $5 a meal, u come out with a total of $70 dollars spent just on food...where as i can go to the store and feed myself for 3 weeks with $70...well i guess i dont really feel like working now...i think i'm gonna try and get some sleep...my only class tomorrow isnt till 330 though...i can pretty much sleep all day if i wanna...but then i'll be back here same time tomorrow night begging god to let me sleep before 5am...oh well..thats just the way shit happens...oh yeah meredith found this really funny tshirt i want bad....carpe scrotum...grab life by the balls.....thats badass...ok...time for bed...night

2002-10-17T03:14:00.000-05:00

ok just for future reference, never try to go to bed before 9pm..you'll end up wide awake at 3am trying to do hw thats not due till next week...i was just looking over my next lab for c++ it looks really hard...i have a good idea where to go with it and i think i can get it all done tonight and maybe some tomorrow night...i'm trying to get all my work finished early so i can pretty much relax nextweek...my spanish teacher keeps asking me questions..about my future and stuff..she keeps asking if i'm planning on taking spanish 3 and 4...i guess maybe she thinks i have what it takes to really learn the language...but i think its just more agrivation i dont need....i mean learning another language would be great, i think i would love it, but i dont know if i can handle it with cal3, physics 2 and alot of other killer classes...i dont want my head to explode or nothin...last night i lost for the first time ever at racquetball...it really bothers me...after you're on top and you lose just one time, it catches and u lose again and again and again...its just discourging...it doesnt mean i'll quit or anything, its too much fun to stop...i think i should try and get derek into a little tennis too...he looks like he would be really good at it...he's got the speed and he seems to pick up how to place shots pretty fast...its a lil different from racquetball, but if i can play it anyone can...well i'm gonna program now...later

Maybe I act on confused behavior
Maybe waves crash like semi trailer
Maybe I'll spend my off time without you
It seems like we need our own space

And all the time I wasted away
I don't feel good unless you stay
And all the times I chased you away
Simply to catch back up with

Your solitude is welcome
Your attitude is welcome

All you see is red lights behind me
Maybe this isn't what you wanted baby
I don't blame you falling backwards
No one's ever quite confused you this way

And all this time we wasted away
We don't feel good unless we're gray
And all the times I chased you away
I simply don't feel good

All this time, we heard alarms
Come to find, we fell apart
This whole thing has crashed down, crashed down
All this time, we heard alarms

You are welcome

2002-10-16T03:29:00.000-05:00

its silent....not quiet but silent...it was kinda errie outside...there is no noise what so ever, thats just a little weird for a college campus...its so nice though...its getting colder here and i cant wait till its almost freezing...thats the best time of the year...its right about now that i really wanna go home again..i know its only been a week since i've been gone, but it would just make things so perfect...i'm almost done with all the spanish hw i have all the way up to next week, i could get the chem lab done super early so there wouldnt be any problem with that, and everything would just be great...i was gonna try and go home for the pat green concert at the house of blues on the 31st...but that plan is a little screwy and i really dont think its gonna work out...i need my own car...if i had my own car i could do pertty much everything i wanted to do...it would be soo nice...mom and dad are working hard on it though, they're gonna hook deanna up with a new car and i'll get her grand am...its not in bad shape, but she keeps messing up the seat and it's not moving back and forth...but thats just like a days work to fix...man its late...i'm just not tired though...i guess its cause i slept in till 3 today...but i still havent been getting much sleep otherwise...school is just freaking me out on a regular basis...i'm not looking to do anything spectacular, i'm just hoping to get by...its late...gotta sleep...or work...later

2002-10-15T23:21:00.000-05:00

Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla

2002-10-14T12:15:00.000-05:00

if a man says something in the woods and there's no woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?

2002-10-13T15:47:00.000-05:00

We barely remember who or what came before this precious moment,
We are choosing to be here right now. Hold on, stay inside
This holy reality, this holy experience.
Choosing to be here in

This body. This body holding me. Be my reminder here that I am not alone in
This body, this body holding me, feeling eternal
All this pain is an illusion.

Aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive, I

In this holy reality, in this holy experience. Choosing to be here in

This body. This body holding me. Be my reminder here that I am not alone in
This body, this body holding me, feeling eternal
All this pain is an illusion.

Twirling round with this familiar parable.
Spinning, weaving round each new experience.
Recognize this as a holy gift and celebrate this chance to be alive and breathing.

This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality.
Embrace this moment. Remember. We are eternal.
All this pain is an illusion.

tool - parabola

2002-10-13T03:20:00.000-05:00

well i just got back from alstons and i'm pretty drunk right now...alston is all pissed at his gf lindsay and things arent going well between them, its kinda making me re hash everything i went through with melissaand i really dont wana do that...i've just gotten to the point where i'm coll with everything that happened and i'm willing to give "us" another shot...i dont want past transgressions clouding my vision...i really miss women though..everyhting about them...and after seeing alston with his girl, i cant help but think about it...i miss there smell their touch and they're kiss...oh how do i miss the kiss...not the dirty stuff...just that soft kiss that tells you you're loved...thats the one that makes me the happiest...i wish i could have that more often...maybe i will someday...we talked alot tonight about random stuff...we talked about marriage and when we wanted that special some one..i was the only one that said he would commit to marriage after college...i just hate the idea that my kids will never get to meet my father, he's been such a big part of my life and i'm so much like him, he could give them so much insight to life and yet they'll never know him...i want to start a family soon so i can pass what i know down to my grandchildren...i dont want them to miss out like my kids will...and i just dont want to be alone anymore...

2002-10-12T03:17:00.000-05:00

i beat my machine it's a part of me it's inside of me
i'm stuck in this dream it's changing me i am becoming
the me that you know had some second thoughts
he's covered with scabs and he is broken and sore
the me that you know doesn't come around much
that part of me isn't here anymore
all pain disappears it's the nature of my circuitry
drowns out all i hear there's no escape from this my new consciousness
the me that you know used to have feelings
but the blood has stopped pumping and he's left to decay
the me that you know is now made up of wires
and even when i'm right with you i'm so far away
i can try to get away but i've strapped myself in
i can try to scratch away the sound in my ears
i can see it killing away all my bad parts
i don't want to listen but it's all too clear

hiding backwards inside of me i feel so unafraid
annie, hold a little tighter i might just slip away

it won't give up it wants me dead
goddamn this noise inside my head

NIN - the becoming

2002-10-11T01:32:00.000-05:00

ok so things on the blog are starting to look better...but it still needs alot of work...but i'm ognna watch some tv and go to bed...sooo later

2002-10-10T02:31:00.000-05:00

ok so yeah right now the blog is all messed up and i got some work to do...but i cant mess with it right now, i got work to do...later

2002-10-09T09:28:00.000-05:00

this was supposed to be posted last night, but the network was down AGAIN!

It’s strange how sometimes a smell, a song, or just the look on some ones face can transport you to another world. I was in the shower just a minute ago. The window was open and as I was drying off I smelled something. I walked over to the window and then it hit me; it was burnt wood. There’s something about that smell that has always seemed to calm me down. I must have stood there for 10 minutes before I realized I was still wrapped in a towel starring out the window as if drawn to it and held by forces other than my own. But at the time I was in another place. I was thinking back to when I was only 13. Back when I was just a boy scout. I was thinking of the camping and the fun I had. I remember some of the first times I was camping on my own, with out the luxury of a parent to care for me. I was so scared back then. I had Mr. O’Brien there with me, our scout leader and a man that I consider to be my secondary father. But that wasn’t the same. There was always something I found missing when ever my father wasn’t at the camp with us. Nothing could make me feel good about the trip, nothing except the campfire. Something about the fire; the smell, the heat, how it danced along the pieces of dark wood. It was hypnotic in its simplicity. I could just sit there and feel the heat radiate to me. I loved the smell of burning wood. It always lingered for hours after the fire had been extinguished. That smell always made me feel so safe when I was alone out there. I’m much older now. I’ll be 20 in November. I no longer need the campfire to make me feel safe. But sometimes it’s just nice to remember how things were. I’ll never forget the campfire, the stories told, friends won and lost, but most importantly, I’ll never forget the smell.

2002-10-08T03:10:00.000-05:00

for the love of god some one club me so i cna go to sleep! i'm totally wired right now...dont know why...i didnt really sleep all that well last night and i really shouldnt be up all night either thats just gonna make otmorrow harder for me and thats not cool...i think i blog way too much...i need more real friends...but i dont really like ppl all that much...i have my own specific group of ppl that i like and i'm sure i get on their nerves alot...i try not to but i guess its just the way i am...are u gonna live your life wondering standing in the back looking arround? are u gonna waste your time thinking how you've grown up or how u've missed out?...that sounds like me alright...man its only been one day and i already need the beach again...maybe i should just transfer down their...i mean it is what makes me happy.. my mom pulled a favor and got me on a boat for the mobile reggata..a teacher at her school is like a judge or something so he's gonna take me out on his boat and show me the ropes...it's been a while since i've been out their sailing...5 years actually..i really miss it...

2002-10-08T01:31:00.000-05:00

i really feel like i drinking tonight...i'm just in one of those moods..it feels good outside and that always puts me in a good mood...i'm listening to this tool song right now...disposition...its pretty good..i love it when they played it at pensacola...i had a lil contact buzz and the song is kinda hypnotic...i was trippin just a lil...i like those kinda situations...its fun and relaxing...andrew is already in bed...i've never seen him go to bed this early before...i hope he's not sick or anything...i love my c++ class..it makes me feel so smart..its not really hard and every program is like a puzzle and its fun to mess with..i need to do more with my blogger though...its kinda blank w/o any links or anything...yeah i'll just put up a bunch of porn links...cause porn is good...be honest now, u know u like it..anyways i think i'm gonna find something to do now....later

2002-10-07T17:19:00.000-05:00

alright well heres the deal from this weekend...i got home on friday and ran up to work to see my friends and cole, my sisters fiance. then me and melissa had a lil party at her place ; D...u know what i'm talking about....yeah...i got some...saturday i had dinner with deanna at the place she works...its this really nice resturant called Drayton Place...we had alot of fun just talking and laughin...its nice to get to do that with her...it doesnt happen very often...things just seem to be gettin better and better with her...she used to beat my ass when i was a kid, but i guess that all passes with age...anyways i never did find brent so i headed on over to the stp concert...the part that i stayed for was great...dead and bloated, big empty and sour girl, i head them all in the rain...it was great...i ended up leaving though cause i couldnt find brent or zach or anyone i knew at the concert and i was really starting to pour...i headed out ant over to deannas house just to chill and talk with her and cole...and sunday i had to return to state...the weekend was great...i really am feelin better and i can sleep again...alot of stuff happened with my dad too, its kind of an on going thing..i dont really wanna talk about it on here its really personal to me...anyways i think i'm gonna go...i gotta eat before we go to the sanderson...later

2002-10-07T13:19:00.000-05:00

alright well i'm back from home...the weekend was alot of fun and i'll tell ya about it later...right now i got hw to do...later

2002-10-04T01:44:00.000-05:00

you know what tomorrow is? ITS THE DAY I GO HOME! FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!! its like a 3 day pass from hell...almost orgasmic...oh hell it is orgasmic i wont lie..i made a new cd and i got all my old ones back from meredith...my other class on friday got cancelled so basically i get up at 7...go to class at 8...leave class at 9...and sleep till dad gets here...nice isnt it...i'm trying to convince fawad to make an online journal...just so we could keep in touch a lil more often and kinda know what everybodys up too...i dont think he's gonna do it though...he says he doesnt have anything to say...well hell me neither, but i do it anyway...ty;er might pick back up with his, i cant really tell...i really cant wait to get home...things are always better when i'm home, i'm usually nicer too...so for those of u that know what i'm like when i'm at home, imagine me up here..heh...yeah i'm a bastard, but u gotta stick with what u know...man thes dot thingys are cool... ... ...my lab teacher for spanish 2 made me be the computer tech today in class...apparently i was one of the few ppl that knew what they were doing so i had to help out everyone else, she let me go after like 30 minutes though so its all cool...i kinda like helping ppl in there anyway...makes me feel smart when i can help ppl out...andrew is freaking out...he just saw a roach in the room...first he kills it with his shoe and, even thought he never touched the roach, he had to go wash his hands...i really wanna set it on his side of the room just to see if he'll freak out again...its kinda funny...night moves...thats a cool song..and a strip club back in mobile...wow i'm like a retarted child on crack tonight...i just keep spoutin off random things..and i know ppl are prolly thinking its cause i'm doing this over a long period of time, but i'm not...i usually just sit down for like 5 or 10 minutes and start typign and just see what comes out, and i rarely make changes to it...i think it becomes more real when u do that...well its gettin late and i havent really packed or anything for home...and i really should finish writing programs and lab reports so i dont have to do them monday...and on that note...later

2002-10-03T04:24:00.000-05:00

i think i'm going retarted...

2002-10-03T00:30:00.000-05:00

well i slept almost all day today...i got back to the room at like 2 and i thought i was gonna lay down for a couple minutes before spanish, then i woke up at 7:30..yeah its great...too bad i missed spanish though, i had some stuff to turn in..oh well...i'm tryin to make a cd for the drive home, its all kinda old songs, like hendrix, joplin, ccr, cat stevens, queen, and some others...it sounds pretty good for now...i thought melissa was gonna nhave a party friday night, but apparently the party is just me and her...which means i get lucky...yay! its been too long, andrew's starting to look pretty....i think maybe i'm getting sick...i kept feeling dizzy all day, i still do now, and the dizzyness is making me feel sick to my stomach..thats not cool...wow i have colored pencils...now if i knew how to draw...ok well i'm gonna find something else to do now...i'm gettin bored...later

2002-10-02T21:44:00.000-05:00

ya know what u do when ur roommate's being a bitch??? LOCK HIS ASS OUTSIDE!

2002-10-02T06:43:00.000-05:00

something isnt right...i dont sleep so well anymore...it seems like even when i'm dead tired i'm still thinking too much to sleep...even when i do sleep i have these really bad nightmares...andrew even said that this morning, when he came in, i was kicking arround and freaking out...i remember waking up totally scared but i dont remember why...so even the sleep i do get isnt good...i think its cause of school...i dont really want to be here...computers are cool and all and pretty much the only thing i'm good with, but its just not what i want...i wanted to create things and make on impact on people and the world in general i guess...but i dont think thats going to happen...i'll probably end up being some kind of a LAN manager...just wondering arround fixing things and being mean to people...real fun job there...i guess maybe tyler knows how i feel....he seems to get this way sometimes, i know fawad doesnt. i get to go home this weekend...maybe that will level me out....the beach usually does that to me...i swear if i had a car i would go home every weekend..not even go to my house, just head straight to the beach, camp out there all weekend, then come on back to starkville....alright well, theres other things i could and should be doing right now, so i'm gonna go...cant wait to go home...later

2002-10-01T15:14:00.000-05:00

PAIN! my back is killing me...which means i dont get to play racquetball tonight =(... haha i just noticed the dots after the smiley look like he's drooling...thats right, i'm the first one to the special ed. smiley...i dont wanna go to spanglish! i wanna stay here and sleep and make my back feel better...but its time to go...i'll post again...later

2002-09-30T16:54:00.000-05:00

well i'm outta english now...so sad..no wait, its great...merediths comp is beeping and i dont know why so if any of you out there know what a constant beep is with a dell comp., lemme know...and and and i'm in class, and gary says i gotta go...later

2002-09-29T22:45:00.000-05:00

alright well i stayed up allll night programming and writing lab reports...i didnt get to bed till 10:30 this morning...andrew got back arround 1:30 and while i'm totally asleep slams the door closed and yells "HEY WHAT ARE U DOING?!?" i dont think i've ever come that close to hurting him before in my life...anyways tomorrow i drop my english class...my parents are cool with it and hey i might even try it again next semester...at elast this way i can focus on my other classes and maybe raise my gpa some with them...i really want to go home...i'm so tired of school and i really need a break from all the work and shit...i dont really sleep well cause of it anymore...although i am pretty tired so i might sleep well tonight...i was on the phone for like 3 hours earlier with melissa...shes throwing a party this weekend and really wants me to come in town for it...it could be fun but that means my dad would have to come pick me up and bring me back sunday...i dont wanna make him drive all that much just for stp and a party...oh well sealab 2021 which means i gotta jet...and gwen steffani is still hot...later

2002-09-29T04:01:00.000-05:00

gwen steffani is incredible...i just want to touch her, thats my goal before i die...her and the girl from bring it on, the dark haired one...both of them...togeather...for just one night...yeah i gotta go now...later

2002-09-28T19:44:00.000-05:00

alright well, i'm screwing myself over in english class...i got a 35 on a 100pt essay...i dont feel stupid by any means though, apparently 75% of the class failed and sever people scored just as bad as i did...i think i'm going to drop the class though, english has never been my strong suit and i can always take it back home at some easy junior college where english is a joke...i was over at my friend alstons last night, it was just me him and some girl he used to go to school with that now goes to school here...i think her name is nyssa, she's really cool and sweet...we all got pretty drunk..i ended up lying on the floor spinning tops on my head...but yeah we had alot of fun and nyssa ended up taking me home this morning since i dont have a car...well thats all i really have to say for now, oh wait, u should get this song....colin hays - overkill....it was done first by men at work, colin hays was the lead singer but he redid the song by himself, it sounds relly good...kind of a john mayer thing....ok i gotta go...later

2002-09-27T02:41:00.000-05:00

maaaaaan...this sucks! andrew isnt going to bayfest and since i have no car, i dont get to go..grrrrr..i really wanted to go...he's being a little bitch about it...i think its just cause he doesnt want ot drive his lil car...he has a 99 firebird v8...in that time he's put less than 4000 miles on it...this includes trips to college...even when he's home he drives his moms car and if he cant use it he wont go out...and yeah he's a big old pussy...he called me lazy today for sleeping in till like 1pm...first off i didnt go to bed till arround 4, secondly i havent had shit for sleep the past week and i've been playing racquetball every night, and third the bitch comes back from his classes every day and sleeps for another 4 hours, then he sits infront of his tv or his computer and does nothing, but he doesn thave the time to go to the sanderson with us...that means he couldnt talk to his little 15 year old girl friends online...wow i jsut realized i've been bitching about andrew for like a paragraph...thats kinda sad...oh well, avril lavigne is hot...not on the subject but it needed to be said...ok i got an 8am and sports night is back on...later

2002-09-25T22:01:00.000-05:00

man i'm tired...i got kicked off the raquet ball court tonight...they get all pissy when u dont wear your eye gear...i guess i'll have to go buy some with the money i dont have! oh well, i still won my games, 15-11 and 15-2 =) i still cant wait for bayfest..beer, bands and breasts...life doesnt get much better...some bad stuff happened today though, my spanish2 lab teacher is undergoing surgery for what could be a tumor..they dont tell the students all that much so i'm not really sure what exactly is going on..but i hope he gets better..hes a great teacher and he really knows his stuff...he actually makes class fun. any ways i'm pretty tired and i havent had much sleep lately..too much stuff to worry about... i need to go home, the beach will calm me down...and the beer will help too, yes, oh yes the beer will help...i think though i'm gonna post some lyrics, return my movies, wait for Sports Night, then go to bed....and soon meredith should tell me how to put comments on my blog...that should be nice, and if she doesnt i'll stuff her in a box and mail her some place fun like pakistan...later

Wish I was too dead to cry
My self-affliction fades
Stones to throw at my creator
Masochists to which I cater
You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

Wish I was too dead to care
If indeed I cared at all
Never had a voice to protest
So you fed me shit to digest
I wish I had a reason;
my flaws are open season
For this, I gave up trying
One good turn deserves my dying

You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

Wish I'd died instead of lived
A zombie hides my face
Shell forgotten
with its memories
Diaries left
with cryptic entries

And you don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on:
I'll never live down my deceit

Corey Taylor - bother

2002-09-25T01:05:00.000-05:00

alright whats goin on today...i had a spanish 2 test this morning...i dont think it went all that well...i guess i have a tendancy to choke when it comes to tests...i still maintain my title as lord of the racket as i remain undefeated...theres not much to today i guess...tomorrow will probably be as borring as today...i cant wait till oct 5 though...thats bayfest back in mobile...STP is playing saturday night...it should be pretty good...i'm soo tired but i have to wait up for sports night its like my favorite show...dont know why either...just somethin i like...i use the ... alot dont i. well if u dont like it u caaaaaaaaaannnnnnnn bite me? yeah bite me...well thats all i have to say for now...oh yeah my site is gonna go though alot of changes soon sooo yeah...later

2002-09-23T23:53:00.000-05:00

HI! well my name is ryan and i'm a college student at Mississippi State. its my second year here and i just needed something to write my thoughts and rants and all that other happy crap. its kinda cool being in college. i will admit i like college alot more than i liked high school, but i'll be happy when i'm outta here nad in the real world. i'm majoring in computer engineering, but i dont know for how much longer. i used to be good at math but apparently if u never do anything with it you lose it, doesnt that suck? i dont have alot of friends here and i mostly keep to myself. its not that i dislike other people, i'm just a little strange and some people cant get opver that fact. i may seem a little abrasive at first, but i'm really a nice guy when u get to know me. i'm also very loyal. i know its not easy being my friend, but I will be there when a friend needs me. anyways i like to play tennis and racket ball, i love to swim and ride bikes and i'm from mobile, alabama so the beach is in my blood. i dont have any pets at college with me, no pets allowed in the dorms and all. but back home i have a big fat rabbit named dixie, shes a dwarf lop ear. shes cute and anyone that comes by has to play with her. i have 2 older sisters, karrie the oldest is married and my other sister deanna is still enganged. i have 4 really close friends: fawad, tyler, james, and melissa. melissa is my ex-girlfriend, but we stil talk alot. shes probably the only girl i've ever really been able to be completely open and honest with about everything. tyler fawad and james are all close friends from highschool. james lived just down the road from me, most people think we're brothers cause we look alot alike. he goes to school back at south alabama. tyler goes to georgia tech and fawad goes to texas at austin. its hard sometimes when the people you care about the most live so far away. i guess thats why i'm making this blog, just a way to vent, to talk, or just whatever. i love to write even though i'm not the greatest at it and i tend to ramble on but hey, its your computer, if you dont wanna read it you dont have to. but i gotta go for now. if you wanna know more about me you can msg me on instant messenger rta6942 or email me at rta7@msstate.edu thats all i have for now...later